


Have you or a loved one been hurt in a retcon?

by Silver33650



Category: Fortnite (Video Game)
Genre: Breaking the Fourth Wall, Canon-Typical Violence, Gen, Humor, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Minor Horror Section, Misunderstandings, Rants, Screenplay/Script Format, Swearing, do you wanna play 'guess who the author's favorite characters are', just for fun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-19
Updated: 2021-03-19
Packaged: 2021-03-28 03:34:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30133374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Silver33650/pseuds/Silver33650
Summary: You may be entitled to compensation.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 8





	Have you or a loved one been hurt in a retcon?

_[MIDAS (DEFAULT) sits at the AGENCY table, his hands folded over the big red button. He gazes at the screen with a stern, level gaze.]_

**MIDAS (DEFAULT)** : Hi, I'm Midas with Midas & Midas Law Associates. Have you ever found yourself thinking one thing about canon, only for a man named after a condiment to completely pull the rug out from under you and send you hurtling down a flight of stairs into the jaws of a shark and then shit out the other end into the blades of a motorboat engine? _[Pause.]_ That metaphor got away from me a bit there, but what I'm referring to is a retcon, when everything in canon seems to point at one thing, but you technically didn't get confirmation about it, and then new information later on says something completely different that makes you rethink your life choices. Here at Midas & Midas Law Associates, we take that Personally, and we're here to help. Just listen to the testimony of some of our past clients. 

_[The scene shifts. MIDAS (GHOST) sits behind a lobby desk in what appears to be the top floor of the AGENCY.]_

**MIDAS (GHOST)** : I thought I was the head of GHOST and a spy, but it turns out that I'm just an international crime boss. Thanks to Midas & Midas, I was able to get my Agency back in Creative. Now I spend my days pretending the Device event had gone differently. Thanks, Midas & Midas!

_[Scene change. MIDAS (SHADOW) stands under the SHADOW sign that adorns the outside of the AUTHORITY.]_

**MIDAS (SHADOW)** : I thought I was secretly the head of SHADOW and a spy, but it turns out I'm still GHOST, somehow. Now I have a Funko figure available that's sold out everywhere. 

_[SHADOW MIDAS appears on the steps, looking puzzled.]_

**SHADOW MIDAS** : I thought we were doing my scene now.

 **MIDAS (SHADOW)** : No, yours is later. 

**SHADOW MIDAS** : But it says Shadow Midas. You're Midas (SHADOW).

 **MIDAS (SHADOW)** : I know, and we're filming my scene today.

 **SHADOW MIDAS** : Check again. 

_[MIDAS (SHADOW) sighs and pulls out a stapled script. He pages through it until he finds the spot he's looking for, scans it, and frowns.]_

**MIDAS (SHADOW)** : Fuck. 

_[MIDAS (SHADOW) suddenly collapses, vanishing into a blue haze. MIDAS (GHOST) jumps into frame, beaming.]_

**MIDAS (GHOST)** : Take that, traitor!

_[MIDAS (GHOST) takes a moment to DEFAULT DANCE before turning to the SHADOW sign behind him, which he destroys with the GOLDEN KING pickaxe. He uses the E.G.O. spray in its place, then notices SHADOW MIDAS.]_

**MIDAS (GHOST)** :Keep up the good work there, agent!

_[MIDAS (GHOST) leaves, passing a very surprised MIDAS (GOLDEN AGENT), who halts his steps and looks at the camera with a pleading expression.]_

**MIDAS (GOLDEN AGENT)** : Can we cut?

_[Scene change. CYCLO sits behind MIDAS (DEFAULT)'s desk, with the broken DEVICE behind that.]_

**CYCLO** : I thought I would actually get to do something during the event, but it turns out I was just a marketing ploy. Now I'm in the 30 day shop rotation. Thanks, Midas & Midas!

_[Scene change. JULES is working on a machine at CAMP COD, but pauses when the camera finds her.]_

**JULES** : I'll be honest, I had no idea how Midas and I were supposed to know each other. He just kind of showed up one day, took a picture of me, and asked me to make him a weather machine. He claimed it was because he was going on vacation to Disney World that summer and wanted to make sure there'd be no hurricanes, and that I could come with him if it worked, but instead it was to defy some malevolent storm on some remote island where we're now trapped for eternity. And then I find out this guy is my father, despite looking maybe ten years older than me at most. Now I'm an NPC in season 6. Thanks, Midas & Midas. I guess. _[Beat. She then brandishes her wrench at the camera.]_ Seriously though, Camp Cod? I used to run _the Authority!_ You couldn't have gotten me a nicer place that wasn't constantly being overtaken by the storm every match? No wonder you tried to stop it. That thing fucking hurts! 

**MIDAS (DEFAULT)** : _[Offscreen.]_ Language. 

_[Scene change. SHADOW MIDAS stands in the middle of a circle of candles, with the golden chair floating behind him, on the top floor of a place called THE AUTHORITY if you're looking through the challenges, but THE RUINS if you check the map.]_

**SHADOW MIDAS** : I thought nobody dies in the Loop, but it turns out the Loop wasn't going when I died in a tragic shark attack and came back as a vengeful spirit. And I thought I would have SHADOW henchmen, but instead they were GHOST. Now I never get to be an item shop outfit. Thanks, Midas & Midas!

_[Several VOICES offscreen BOO in disappointment. SHADOW MIDAS breaks into the PICKIN' emote.]_

_[Scene change. MIDAS REX stands near a pile of EXPLOSIVES.]_

**MIDAS REX** : I thought I was dead, but it turns out Snapshots are a thing. Now I get to cause mayhem with one of the most well-known comic book villains in history and a plant. Thanks, Midas & Midas!

_[Scene change. SORANA jumps out of the haypile that used to be a secret passage from the GROTTO.]_

**SORANA** : I thought I was- _[Pause.]_ Actually, I still have no idea. Why aren't I in any loading screens besides being a screensaver for Chaos Agent? Why am I in the same set as Cameo vs Chic? What party was I not invited to? These are the questions that haunt me while I take up dust in the locker.

_[Scene change. CHAOS AGENT sits with a wall of screens behind him in an unknown part of what appears to be STEAMY STACKS. The SHADOW symbol appears intermittently on a few screens.]_

**CHAOS AGENT** : I thought I was made of ink or sludge or something, but it turns out I'm molten somehow. And I thought I was involved with SHADOW somehow, but it turns out Jules hates me. With the help of Midas & Midas, I managed to get enough money for more illicit experiments on unwilling loopers using various forms of toxic waste. Thanks, Midas & Midas! _[Tilts his head.]_ I hope it'll be your turn soon.

 **MIDAS (DEFAULT)** : _[Offscreen.]_ Depends on how much money we need for the next event's budget. Those Hollywood directors aren't cheap.

_[Scene change. KEVIN THE CUBE sits on a hill that can't easily be matched to a location on the map. There is no sound. An indistinct figure appears on KEVIN's side. It's DARK BOMBER. She grins wickedly at the screen and extends her hand to the viewer. There is an increasing amount of white noise. THE CUBE begins to fall forward. Strange glyphs appear as the screen recedes into static.]_

_[Scene returns to where MIDAS (DEFAULT) sits in the AGENCY.]_

**MIDAS (DEFAULT)** : Call today for your free consultation. Our operators are standing by and ready to help. Remember, you don't have to pay unless we get answers, in which case, there will probably be even more questions. Enough to open an entirely new case. And then we'll probably have to appeal the initial decision anyway, and that could take 3-5 seasons to resolve. Remember that you can request compensation in the form of unvaults, but that usually doesn't work. I'm still waiting for the drum gun in the normal loot pool again. Motherfuckers. 

_[A knock is heard from offscreen. Cut to MIDAS (DEFAULT) answering the door. MARIGOLD stands in the doorway, looking completely bewildered.]_

**MARIGOLD** : Is this where we come to complain about how confusing the lore is?"

 **MIDAS (DEFAULT)** : _[Gives a knowing look to the camera.]_ You've come to the right place.

_[The MIDAS & MIDAS LAW ASSOCIATES title screen appears as That Part of "The Device" plays. The screen fades to black.]_

* * *

Midas turned to Agent Jones. "So? What do you think?"

Agent Jones took a long swig of his beer. "I think this game is dead after all," he said.


End file.
